Cowboy Catholics
October 13, 2020
Cowboy Catholics
October 13, 2020

It is Well- Freedom in Suffering

I serve a providential God, don’t I? Do I?

Jesus, these days have been strange. It’s my first time to ever fear for my most basic needs. How can joy and sorrow fit so hand-in-hand? I feel you everywhere, yet nowhere all at once. I feel abandoned, yet providentially provided for. 

Recently I have felt like every day is Holy Saturday, as if I’m beyond my greatest sufferings for the present time, but not yet to the redemption story. 

A season of waiting. I fear that I am not fully embracing the Sacrament of the Present Moment, as I often glance over the real Holy Saturday while experiencing Holy Week. I tend to forget what truly happened that day beneath the surface and what often happens in seasons of waiting- freedom. Freedom happened. The freeing of so many souls that had been trapped by the prince of darkness until Love defeated sin and death. All of these holy souls were now brought into the Father’s sweet embrace, at last. You were working everything for the good of your Father in heaven, but still your disciples hid away from the world in fear and despair because they doubted your promises. 

How often have I hid from the world lately? How often have I sat in self-pity, rather than looked at how these days could be glorifying the Kingdom? How often have I trapped myself in my circumstances, just as the apostles trapped themselves in that room? But Jesus, I don’t want to make the mistake the apostles did on Holy Saturday. I want to live with the knowledge and the confidence that the Resurrection is coming, because You’ve proven it. 

If I want my life to imitate yours, then I must suffer, wait, and live in the light of Your redemption over and over and over again. I must choose to remember that you have made me to live in freedom, not shackles. 

But how do I live in freedom when so much is going on that is entirely out of my control? The world yells at me that freedom is being able to make my own choices in whatever way pleases me most, but You whisper something different. 

You lead me to the understanding that true freedom is when I allow the ebbs and flows of the world to roll off of me. True freedom is when I turn the other cheek. True freedom is when I take a page from St. Lawrence’s book and say his infamous line, “turn me over, I’m done on this side,” that he chanted as they slowly burned him to death. 

Only when I allow the joys and sufferings that You permit in my life to enter and leave as You see fit will I experience more than a physical freedom. Only then will I experience a freedom of my soul. For You tell me that the freedom I am called to lives when I choose Love despite of the circumstances. 

True freedom is to live in the Sacrament of the Present Moment and turn over everything to You saying, “It is well with me.” Whether I am in the midst of suffering or joy, help me to say “It is well with me, Father.” 

Give me the eyes to see that if all I have is You, I have enough. You are enough for me, Jesus. 

-A Tired, but Trusting Daughter