Awake My Soul
A reflection from Cowboy Awakening #69
I attended this retreat to fight for my life.
There have been many obstacles that I have faced in life but I have always felt like the obstacles in front of me were extremely rigorous. Have you ever experienced a time in your life when you felt unqualified for the test or trial that God was putting you through?
This past summer I had to privilege to travel all over the country with my family. It sounds like a perfect life right? Except it was the total opposite: it wasn’t. As I was approaching my last semester in nursing school, I started to doubt what my purpose in life was and why was I put on this earth. The enemy will disguise your voice, tricking you into thinking you are unworthy and your life has no purpose. I started to feel like I was in paralyzed state, wanting to move but completely trapped in fear. The type of feeling where it took all the energy I had left inside of my weary bones to even breathe a breath. After so long of fighting the war I honestly started to question who is fighting harder for me, heaven or hell? I began to question God asking, “Why is this happening to me? Where are you God?” I needed a supernatural God to come in and revive my heart.
After wrestling with my questions and not receiving answers, I decided to sign up for the Awakening Retreat. My roommate had urged me to sign up for previous Awakenings, but my response was always that I was too busy with school. I finally decided that I had nothing to lose and the world to gain.
My weekend at Awakening was life changing. During adoration I wrestled with my thoughts and questioned God, “Where are you?” As I simply gazed upon the cross of my savior I heard a soft voice whisper, “I am still fighting for you, I never stopped.” It was at that moment that my soul started to become alive again. Just like a heartbeat but my soul began to beat again. I began to realize that God was moving mountains but I knew he was not finished. I still had one more question left for him. As the last day of the retreat rolled around I pondered and though about my last question. “GOD, WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME?” The typical question that everyone ask God when faced with trial.
Sunday morning I felt a brisk gush of wind across my shoulder and face. Then I heard these simple words flow like a river over my soul. “I had to break you completely down to the core in order to rebuild my beautiful masterpiece.” Tears flooded my eyes and suddenly the trials and tribulations I had faced all came to terms. My mind flashed back to the multiple times when I would cry out and question every move that God made. I understood that I had to completely rely on him with each and every waking breath to be able to walk through this fire. But in order to do so, I had to be completely shattered to be able to get remolded through my Father’s hands. This retreat has given me my life back. I have heard God speak in a supernatural way and my life has a new perspective.
Thank you Cowboy Awakening 69!